Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
