Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
