Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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