I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
