I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
