So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
