If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
