can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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