It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
