My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
