I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
two words: eviction party
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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