how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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