just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
