I wanna passion pit in your ass
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
