I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
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