so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
