I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
she told me i tasted like america
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
