I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
