Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
