gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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