a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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