Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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