Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
