he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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