So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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