...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
