i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize