I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
