we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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