I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
