Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
