I think im going to throw up on grandma
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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