My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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