I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
