i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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