I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
