Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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