All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
