Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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