Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
