It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
