So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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