Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
