Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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