Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
