There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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