My hair reeks of homosexuality.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
