were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
