I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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