I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
