NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize