my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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