how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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