I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
