You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
