I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
