Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize