The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
